007: See how I messed up these title options (read below) OR Get to the bit where I actually try a new book (turn to 008)

Ok, so this post was supposed to be me leaving the City of Thieves behind and trying a new book. But I couldn't quite leave it. Two attempts and two failures (cheating aside) and I'm kind intrigued as to how I was meant to have completed the book. 30 years ago this would have meant hours of trial and error - I didn't have the patience then, nor do I now. Thankfully, in the modern age I can run off to Mr google to sort it all out for me. So, here is a quick update on how the player is meant to tackle the City of Thieves (so, obviously, spoilers ahoy).

Ok, so in my two attempts I basically went wrong straight away. Should have gone for the third option of conning my way into the city. This would have also seen me get the advice of getting a pass asap. Makes sense as later on in both my attempts lacking a merchant's pass proved irksome.

Not much to report from the early mooching about, although you do buy a ring of fire, which rings a bell as a bit Philskiar cheated at in his run through.

So you can get to the wizard bloke with no fights what so ever. Feels a bit like the wimp's route, but tallies with the claim of the books that it doesn't matter what your initial skills are. For now at least. Anyway, moving on, so just how were you supposed to collect that ridiculous shopping list from the wizard?

So the first fight is against some wild dogs with really weak stat. You could also have avoided it, but coupled with some flowers purchased earlier, the post fight situation yields some gold. This play through is earning quite a bit of gold, maybe for the purchase of all the tat?

Good to see that this play through avoids the pervert candle maker too - Philskiar's hunch was right

First item down is the arrow. Who'd have thought that you won't supposed to immediately attack the silversmith?!

Hag down. It would have been even easier if the player had a potion of mind control, although I have no idea where that came from. Presumably a different choice earlier on - maybe at the expense of the fire ring?

So the fire ring was just to defeat the mighty leaf beasts?! Was that it? Needing some way to cheat your way past those pathetic creatures feels a bit crap.

Anyway, that's the list complete (I forgot to right about the black pearl stuff on the pirate ship, but we did that in my last play through). You're then shepherded to the town guards, then outside the city in the back of the hay cart.

Zanbar punching time!

So you can bluff your way into the tower and have the option of going to bed (much like the Philskiar play through but without the wanton violence) which, having checked, involves insta-death if you go for it. Anyway, on and up the tower

So we have the second unavoidable fight (after the leaf beast), versus a skill 7 mummy so not impossible but also very easy with the ring of fire (like the leaf beast). This nets you the ring of the golden eye, a ring Zanbar is vulnerable to kept handily in the room opposite his own and gaurded by a shit mummy.

Unavoidable skeleton fight, with max skill 8 (there are 3 of them), so still not impossible with a low stat character.

Then you need to win a test of luck (doable but not easy with a low stat) then randomly choose the correct two ingredients to rub in Zanbar's stupid face (total luck of the draw with odds 66% against you, so a bit crappy really)

So that was actually really interesting. Not for anyone reading this claptrap, obviously, but for me in my attempt to write one of these sodding books.

Lessons learnt:

• You can get through the book with a low stat character.
• The bullshit test of random choice at the end really isn't needed and feels a bit cheap
• The early part (prior to visiting the wizard) doesn't actually matter that much, more a question of damage limitation
• I'm still left wanting to have another go - can I get a merchant's pass, and where is the mind control potion? Does the ring of invisibility actually do anything, or is it a red herring?

006: Can I beat Zanbar Bone this time (read below) OR Should I give up and try a different book (go to 007)

Ok, so here we go again. Except this time I'm gonna kick Zanbar Bone's arse all over the City of Thieves.

To the dice!
Skill: 11
Stamina: 22
Luck: 7

Right, so good skill and stamina, but the lowest luck possible. I'm going to do some awesome role (roll? role? with dice and role playing please accept my apologies now if I use the spellings interchangeably) playing this time round, really get into the story.

Meet Philskiar Bonecrusher, a fearsome warrior only let down by his serious unluckyness. He could have been champion of the world, but dropped a sword on his foot so now walks with a limp. His wife left him for his best friend, a goblin wrangler, and he lost his life savings in a corrupt lizard mining scheme. All of this has left him slightly unhinged with a taste for wanton violence.

With this he resorted to being a sword for hire, tasked to rid the villagers of Silverton from Zanbar Bone, and so he goes to the City of Theeves. Dun dun duuuuuun (again).

So at the gates to the city, what does Philskiar do? Ram a sword down that stupid guard's face, that's what. Except the fight takes too long and two of his buddies come to investigate the kerfuffle. What happens to them? They taste steel, that's what. GRRRRRRRR.

(note at this point, I'm so into the role play that I rip my shirt off with my bare hands and yell at the gods. Ok, so I take it off properly over my head; I would have ripped it off but I would feel bad about wasting a good t-shirt. I didn't yell either, truth be told. I would have, but my missus is watching Come Dine With Me and wouldn't be happy if I started shouting)

So should Philskiar go down Key Street, Market Street or Clock Street? Well any one that messes with him is gonna get clocked on the nose (tenuous, sorry) so he heads of that way.

Philskiar promptly beats up a tramp and steels a glass ball from the corpse which he smashes on the ground JUST BECAUSE HE CAN. The smoke inside the ball turns into a magnificent helmet which you can be sure as hell Philskiar is going to try on. The helmet will add one to all future attack dice rolls. As if Philskiar wasn't already mighty enough. Znabar Bone won't know what hit him.

He wanders into a random house and kills its owner (an Ogre) just for a kick. Smashing open a locked box he finds some gold, 2 gems and a white silk glove. Philskiar could try on the glove, but he isn't a MASSIVE PUSSY so leaves it on the floor and heads on his way.

Philskiar just got MUGGED BY DWARVES. Dammit, all his lovely gold is gone. Someone will pay for this.

Does Philskiar want to go into a flower shop? WHAT DO YOU THINK SCUMSUCKER?! He continues on his way.

He challenges some chump to a game of  "catch the cannon ball", betting 5 gold pieces he doesn't have. Philskiar loses. There being no option to gut the bastard for looking at him funny, Philskiar wanders off.

Wizard is duly found, secret to killing Zanbar Bone revealed, Philskiar heads off in search of the relevant items needed (although instead of a unicorn tattoo, Philskiar fully intends to get a tattoo representing him ripping off Zanbar's head and crapping down his throat).

Philskiar kills a pirate, choosing to use a stick rather than his sword, cos that is how double hard he is.

Three more pirates bite the dust. Philskiar could have snuck past them if his luck was in, but he is actually glad that he wakes them up just so he can SMASH THEIR SKULLS.

Philskiar is feeling frisky, so tries to chat up some plump and rosey cheeked  fishwives. They are having none of it, but inform him that Hags have been seen disappearing down sewers. Thinking maybe they'd be up for it, Philskiar goes searching for a sewer. Maybe while he's down there he could SLAUGHTER SOME NINJA TURTLES to prove who's the boss.

An elf offers to let Philskiar see his "magic candle". Philskiar ain't no pervert, so passes up the opportunity and continues on his way.

Philskiar attempts to rob a silver shop. Killing the owner is easy (and FUN) but he can't get at the goods behind the metal barred cupboard.

A blacksmith "looks surprised at [Philskiar's] unprovoked aggression" before looking surprised at the fact his lower intestines are being stuffed in his mouth. Philskiar then loses 4 luck points for the BULLSHIT reason of feeling guilty.

[As another aside, I've just spilt beer on the book, proving myself to be skill 7 and (beer) stamina 14]

Well this is embarrassing. Philskiar has to sell his KICK ASS helmet in order to be able to afford the SHITTEST TATTOO IN THE WORLD.

Philskiar is given the option of paying to be thrown out of the city, or resisting arrest. That isn't a choice, that is a RECIPE FOR PAIN

Further evidence that IAN LIVINGSTONE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT Philskiar is given no choice other than running away from some gaurds and hiding in a cart and getting smuggled out of the city.

Lacking all the necessary equipment the adventure should end here. But Philskiar thinks FUCK THIS and heads off to punch Zanbar Bone in the nut.

[now I've spilt beer on the cat, a fearsome hell beast of skill 10 and purring stamina 22]

Brutally murdering an ape man, Philskiar nabs a gold owl trinket that means he can see in the dark. Basically, the dark is afraid of Philskiar.

A vicious fight with two moon dogs (one of them skill 11) leaves Philskiar battered, but undeterred. He still has some provisions, and then he eats moon dog eyeballs just for the sheer hell of it.

Given the option of ringing the door bell or shoulder charging it open, guess which one Philskiar elects? He hurts his shoulder (minus 1 skill) but is now inside the spooky tower.

Philskiar then has the option of apologising to Zanbar Bone's manservant for breaking the door (?!). The manservant (who is also a zombie) is swiftly killed instead. Philskiar then knicks a shield with a unicorn on it (matches the shit tattoo nicely and he gets plus 1 skill, presumably for stylish accessorising) and goes Zanbar hunting.

One floor up is a comfy looking bed that Philskiar is given the option of sleeping in. Taking the piss out of Zanbar to the extent of sleeping in his own guest accommodation before murdering him is tempting, but instead he presses on up the tower.

The mighty golden owl trinket enables Philskiar to avoid a nasty trap, before Zanbar starts mocking him from afar (presumably using some sort of fancy speaker system).

At this point Philskiar STARTS CHEATING checking ahead for possible random deaths. He is slightly drunk and wants to finish this SODDING BOOK. He then GENUINELY rolls double six twice in a row when fighting a paltry skill 6 zombie. He grimly realises that he'll probably need that kind of luck when fighting Zanbar later (cheating aside)

Philskiar fights some death hawks which have coolest name for an enemy so far. Philskiar briefly considers starting a band called "The Screeching Death Hawks" before pressing on.

A little man "15cm high" informs Philskiar of Zanbar's location. IT'S ON!!!

Philskiar lacks some pussy arsed ring of the golden eye so it should be insta-death. However, his SHEER AWESOMENESS allows him to skip this requirement.

Despite his luck score of zero (after murdering the blacksmith) Philskiar still manages to hit Zanbar with the silver arrow. The arrow misses, but the richocet/cheat get Zanbar right in the chest.

Philskiar then must randomly choose the composition of the salve to rub in that bastards stupid face. One more cheat and he selects the right one. Philskiar is greeted with the magic words:

TURN TO 400

In a nice touch to Philskiar's character, passage 400 states that he sets the place on fire. I like to think that he also maybe did a little wee on Zanbar's corpse. Presumably while coming up with some awesome one liner and lighting a cigar.

Victory is mine (after approximately 7 incidents of cheating: all fights were done properly, but a lot of random crap was avoided)

005: Will you read about gamebooks in the 21st century (read below) OR Laugh at my continued attempts with City of Thieves (go to 006)

So it turns out that gamebooks are still going strong, with new books being written (including recently a new Ian Livingstone effort to celebrate 30 years of FF). Some concessions to modern life have been made with tweaks to rule sets, but there does tend to be a strong link to the fantasy game world that these sort of book originally came out of.

I think the biggest change has been the use of gamebook "apps" available for all good smartphones and tablets. I've been playing one this week on the train, "Revenant" by Tin Man games.It's actually quite good, virtual dice are thrown across nicely designed "pages" from the story. However, there is one problem.

You can't cheat

You do get some bookmarks to go back to, which I guess is the modern equivalent to keeping various fingers in pages containing difficult decisions, but you can't just choose a random passage to read, or let a picture catch your eye and read the associated text. A cheat mode does unlock when you complete it, but I died so many sodding times near the end, I just can't be arsed.

So I've now got some ideas about how I want my attempt at a gamebook (or gb as I'm now going to call them to save typing it out every sodding time) but more research is needed. I am about to return to City of Thieves (go to 006) to try and learn some more, but hopefully I'll soon start planning some of the decision paths.

As an aside, it also turns out that there's a whole sub-genre of guys writing about their exploits playing through the old school FF books. Two of my favourites include Fighting Dantasy, which makes me wish I'd spent a bit more time coming up with a slightly more catchy name for this blog, and the honestly hilarious Turn to 400. I didn't think that reading about some bloke playing a 30 year old gb could make me laugh out loud, but it did. My missus (and cat) think I'm a weirdo, but whatcha gonna do?

004: Lessons learnt (read below) OR Straight back on that horse (Go to 006)

So what did I learn from my "research" playing City of Thieves as a fully grown adult?


When I first rolled the maximum score for skill I thought that coupled with my superior adult brain (in your face child-Phil) that it would be a breeze. I'd punch stuff in the face and cruise past any puzzles. Simple.

Not to be.

The actual mechanics of the game aren't that complicated. If I was to draw a map of the choices made it would be a fairly simple three way branch at the start and a set of different adventures/challenges/death down each one. You're then steered to a central point (the wizard) given a list of Maguffins to go after then it branches off again. In theory I should be able to do something similar when I come to have a go.

However, there are a few elements of the mechanics that haven't made the transition to the 21st century that well in my opinion. Mechanics I'd want to fiddle with when it comes to my attempt.

Fighting using dice adds an element of tensions and quite good fun, but feels a bit, well, wrong as an adult. The dice took a bit of finding too (thanks old backgammon set). I could have downloaded a dice rolling app I'm sure, mind, but reading a book in one hand and fiddling with a phone in the other? Not ideal.

Flicking back and forth to the sheet where you record your various abilities/items/provisions etc is annoying. There are way too many changes to stamina/provisions/gold. No one wants to play an RPG as an accountant. No wonder I rarely bothered with these bits as a kid. It could be done on a separate piece of paper to avoid the flicking, but having to cart round extra stuff - much like the dice issue -  for a book you might well want to read on the train isn't ideal.

If you want to read more about playing on the train (turn to 005)

003: Can Phil survive the city of thieves? (Read below) OR Don't be silly (Also read below)

So I have in my possession two FF gamebooks and as part of my research the plan is to play through them, see how they work and hopefully give me some ideas for my attempt. First up is City of Thieves - I have the necessary equipment and I've promised myself that I won't cheat. Every choice made is final, every dice roll counts.

First up, character design. Skill - basically how good I am at fighting, maximum score 12 (6 basis plus one dice roll), minimum 7. Then stamina, how many hits/damage I can take, max score 24, min 14. Then luck, which if I remember right, crops up here and there to add tension (max 12, min 7 again).

So my man has the following stats (drum roll please)
Skill: 12
Stamina: 20
Luck: 9

Ok, not a bad start there - I'm a good fighter with a bit of staying power. This is all good news. It also seems that I can take some provisions that restore stamina and a magic potion that restores one of the three categories. Think I might go for a luck potion as it also add one to the initial score. The food will keep my stamina up and my skill is already nice and high.

On to the adventure. Basically I've been persuaded to help out a distressed village. I need to go find an old wizard who'll help me kill this bad guy called Zanbar Bone. Fairly standard stuff! The only problem is that the wizard, Nicodemus, lives in the City of Thieves, dun dun duuuuuuun.

Now, I'm not going to write about every decision made, just the highlights. Opening the story I have to get in to the blasted city. Tempting as it is to fight the city guard straight away, I'm thinking it'd be better to be a bit more diplomatic. Maybe just ask to see Nicodemus, that can't go too wrong, can it?

They attempt to arrest me for no good reason. Sod this, violence it is.

I'm free, phew, now to explore the city...

....and within 5 minutes I'm in a bar brawl with a troll

My superior skill comes into play and I win without taking any damage. Good stuff. I hope they'll serve me a sodding drink now.

A drink and an attempted mugging later and I'm off to the market

I like markets! The money I reverse mugged the muggers for gets me a load of new kit and I make it unscathed to the bridge that the wizard is supposed to live under. After the innkeeper gave me directions to the wizard I have been quite direct in my approach, so have probably missed some chances for adventure along the way. But, I have a mission to complete!

So I meet the wizard who tells me that to defeat this Zanbar character I need:
a unicorn tattoo on my flipping head(!)
silver arrow
black pearl
hag's hair
lotus flower

Right then, off to find the nearest Tesco

Got the arrow, but have also taken an arrow to the shoulder (not the knee, neatly avoiding an annoying internet meme). Still alive, and on we press.

Now got the lotus, although I did have to fight some "leaf beasts", I kid you not, possessed topiary

I am now the proud owner of a stupid tattoo right in the middle of my goddam forehead, grrrr.

 Arghhh, a brutal fight versus two city guards and I'm forced to flee. A farmer and his kid help me escape the city, but I don't have all the items. Is this the end?!

In short, yes.

Crappit.

Humph.

002: Check out my crap artwork (read below) OR See how I get on with an old FF book (go to 003)

So my trip to the attic uncovered City of Thieves and Freeway Fighter. I'll write more about these later. In the mean time, here's the pathetic sketch I've developed over a couple of lunch breaks of the early chapters of my attempt at a Game Book (or Interactive Novel as I've discovered a slightly more pretentious way of referring to it all)

001: Do you read my preamble (read below) OR skip this claptrap (go to 002)

You know those people that hark back to their childhood when everything was better? Those people that at some point in their mid-life start trying to re-live cherished memories? They're really annoying aren't they?

Anyway this blog is to follow my progress writing a Game Book, my favourite sort of book as a youngster.

I only have assorted vague memories of these books, so this first post will be an attempt to get down in writing everything I can remember about them. Then the research can begin.

A Game Book is a work of fiction written in the second person (very few books are written like this). You are the main protagonist, and as such make the decisions that move the plot forward. So you'd get to the end of a short chapter and be asked something like "Do you go into the scary looking house OR leg it back into the haunted forest". Each choice would have an associated reference/chapter to go to in the book, meaning you didn't actually read it straight from page one to page 200, rather you'd jump all over the place. 

My favourite books in this genre were the Fighting Fantasy (FF) series by, er, Ian something, Livingstone? and Steve Jackson I think (but the surnames may be the wrong way round). As I said before, the research comes later - for now I brainstorm.



These books gave you a starting premise (usually involving some force of evil that needed sorting out) then tasked you with coming up with a character. To come up with a character you'd be told to roll a dice for each of a few catergories (Strength, skill, luck; that kind of thing). However, I ALWAYS cheated at this to make sure my character had the maximum stats. Playing the books with a low score anywhere tended to be a frustrating experience.

In fact I often cheated at the dice bits - chance would play a big part in a lot of the action sequences, fights etc. I just liked making the decisions and moving the book forward. The dice stuff could largely do one.

Ok, so what books stick in my mind?

Most of the FF books were the sword and sorcery fantasy sort of setting. But there were a few sci-fi ones and these tended to be my favourites.

I remember one (possibly the only one I completed without major cheating) where you were some kind of intergalactic bounty hunter tasked with finding the president's kidnapped daughter (although my memory here might be getting mixed up with some film or TV show of the same era - another task for the research)

Quite a few involved robots or space ships (an 80's kid's dream). There was another where you were a super hero - I vaguely remember writing a book report about it for homework!

However, I think my favourite book was actually one of the fantasy ones called "City of Thieves" where, for some reason or other, you have to go to this horrid city full of pirates, evil wizards etc that you had to do something in before going and challenging the big baddie. I remember the bits in the city being awesome.

Ok, so that's about the sum total of my recollections.  If I'm to write my own version of one of these, then much research is required. For starters, getting my hands on some examples.

TO THE ATTIC!!