Ok, so here we go again. Except this time I'm gonna kick Zanbar Bone's arse all over the City of Thieves.
To the dice!
Skill: 11
Stamina: 22
Luck: 7
Right, so good skill and stamina, but the lowest luck possible. I'm going to do some awesome role (roll? role? with dice and role playing please accept my apologies now if I use the spellings interchangeably) playing this time round, really get into the story.
Meet Philskiar Bonecrusher, a fearsome warrior only let down by his serious unluckyness. He could have been champion of the world, but dropped a sword on his foot so now walks with a limp. His wife left him for his best friend, a goblin wrangler, and he lost his life savings in a corrupt lizard mining scheme. All of this has left him slightly unhinged with a taste for wanton violence.
With this he resorted to being a sword for hire, tasked to rid the villagers of Silverton from Zanbar Bone, and so he goes to the City of Theeves. Dun dun duuuuuun (again).
So at the gates to the city, what does Philskiar do? Ram a sword down that stupid guard's face, that's what. Except the fight takes too long and two of his buddies come to investigate the kerfuffle. What happens to them? They taste steel, that's what. GRRRRRRRR.
(note at this point, I'm so into the role play that I rip my shirt off with my bare hands and yell at the gods. Ok, so I take it off properly over my head; I would have ripped it off but I would feel bad about wasting a good t-shirt. I didn't yell either, truth be told. I would have, but my missus is watching Come Dine With Me and wouldn't be happy if I started shouting)
So should Philskiar go down Key Street, Market Street or Clock Street? Well any one that messes with him is gonna get clocked on the nose (tenuous, sorry) so he heads of that way.
Philskiar promptly beats up a tramp and steels a glass ball from the corpse which he smashes on the ground JUST BECAUSE HE CAN. The smoke inside the ball turns into a magnificent helmet which you can be sure as hell Philskiar is going to try on. The helmet will add one to all future attack dice rolls. As if Philskiar wasn't already mighty enough. Znabar Bone won't know what hit him.
He wanders into a random house and kills its owner (an Ogre) just for a kick. Smashing open a locked box he finds some gold, 2 gems and a white silk glove. Philskiar could try on the glove, but he isn't a MASSIVE PUSSY so leaves it on the floor and heads on his way.
Philskiar just got MUGGED BY DWARVES. Dammit, all his lovely gold is gone. Someone will pay for this.
Does Philskiar want to go into a flower shop? WHAT DO YOU THINK SCUMSUCKER?! He continues on his way.
He challenges some chump to a game of "catch the cannon ball", betting 5 gold pieces he doesn't have. Philskiar loses. There being no option to gut the bastard for looking at him funny, Philskiar wanders off.
Wizard is duly found, secret to killing Zanbar Bone revealed, Philskiar heads off in search of the relevant items needed (although instead of a unicorn tattoo, Philskiar fully intends to get a tattoo representing him ripping off Zanbar's head and crapping down his throat).
Philskiar kills a pirate, choosing to use a stick rather than his sword, cos that is how double hard he is.
Three more pirates bite the dust. Philskiar could have snuck past them if his luck was in, but he is actually glad that he wakes them up just so he can SMASH THEIR SKULLS.
Philskiar is feeling frisky, so tries to chat up some plump and rosey cheeked fishwives. They are having none of it, but inform him that Hags have been seen disappearing down sewers. Thinking maybe they'd be up for it, Philskiar goes searching for a sewer. Maybe while he's down there he could SLAUGHTER SOME NINJA TURTLES to prove who's the boss.
An elf offers to let Philskiar see his "magic candle". Philskiar ain't no pervert, so passes up the opportunity and continues on his way.
Philskiar attempts to rob a silver shop. Killing the owner is easy (and FUN) but he can't get at the goods behind the metal barred cupboard.
A blacksmith "looks surprised at [Philskiar's] unprovoked aggression" before looking surprised at the fact his lower intestines are being stuffed in his mouth. Philskiar then loses 4 luck points for the BULLSHIT reason of feeling guilty.
[As another aside, I've just spilt beer on the book, proving myself to be skill 7 and (beer) stamina 14]
Well this is embarrassing. Philskiar has to sell his KICK ASS helmet in order to be able to afford the SHITTEST TATTOO IN THE WORLD.
Philskiar is given the option of paying to be thrown out of the city, or resisting arrest. That isn't a choice, that is a RECIPE FOR PAIN
Further evidence that IAN LIVINGSTONE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT Philskiar is given no choice other than running away from some gaurds and hiding in a cart and getting smuggled out of the city.
Lacking all the necessary equipment the adventure should end here. But Philskiar thinks FUCK THIS and heads off to punch Zanbar Bone in the nut.
[now I've spilt beer on the cat, a fearsome hell beast of skill 10 and purring stamina 22]
Brutally murdering an ape man, Philskiar nabs a gold owl trinket that means he can see in the dark. Basically, the dark is afraid of Philskiar.
A vicious fight with two moon dogs (one of them skill 11) leaves Philskiar battered, but undeterred. He still has some provisions, and then he eats moon dog eyeballs just for the sheer hell of it.
Given the option of ringing the door bell or shoulder charging it open, guess which one Philskiar elects? He hurts his shoulder (minus 1 skill) but is now inside the spooky tower.
Philskiar then has the option of apologising to Zanbar Bone's manservant for breaking the door (?!). The manservant (who is also a zombie) is swiftly killed instead. Philskiar then knicks a shield with a unicorn on it (matches the shit tattoo nicely and he gets plus 1 skill, presumably for stylish accessorising) and goes Zanbar hunting.
One floor up is a comfy looking bed that Philskiar is given the option of sleeping in. Taking the piss out of Zanbar to the extent of sleeping in his own guest accommodation before murdering him is tempting, but instead he presses on up the tower.
The mighty golden owl trinket enables Philskiar to avoid a nasty trap, before Zanbar starts mocking him from afar (presumably using some sort of fancy speaker system).
At this point Philskiar STARTS CHEATING checking ahead for possible random deaths. He is slightly drunk and wants to finish this SODDING BOOK. He then GENUINELY rolls double six twice in a row when fighting a paltry skill 6 zombie. He grimly realises that he'll probably need that kind of luck when fighting Zanbar later (cheating aside)
Philskiar fights some death hawks which have coolest name for an enemy so far. Philskiar briefly considers starting a band called "The Screeching Death Hawks" before pressing on.
A little man "15cm high" informs Philskiar of Zanbar's location. IT'S ON!!!
Philskiar lacks some pussy arsed ring of the golden eye so it should be insta-death. However, his SHEER AWESOMENESS allows him to skip this requirement.
Despite his luck score of zero (after murdering the blacksmith) Philskiar still manages to hit Zanbar with the silver arrow. The arrow misses, but the richocet/cheat get Zanbar right in the chest.
Philskiar then must randomly choose the composition of the salve to rub in that bastards stupid face. One more cheat and he selects the right one. Philskiar is greeted with the magic words:
TURN TO 400
In a nice touch to Philskiar's character, passage 400 states that he sets the place on fire. I like to think that he also maybe did a little wee on Zanbar's corpse. Presumably while coming up with some awesome one liner and lighting a cigar.
Victory is mine (after approximately 7 incidents of cheating: all fights were done properly, but a lot of random crap was avoided)
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